The Anatomy of a Heist

Tottenham’s counterattacks are a by-the-numbers caper. So how does José Mourinho keep getting away with it?

They were going to walk right in the front door. The Ringleader said it slowly, chewing each word in his flat Essex baritone, his jaw jutting under a scalene nose and a forehead that receded pinkly into the distance. He looked around the table at the question written on everyone’s face. You’re bloody right security will see us, lads. That’s the brilliance of it.

The Ringleader wasn’t old, but he felt old. Record as long as your arm. Did some hard time on the trainer’s table. In another life he might have coasted to retirement, but that was before the Mastermind butted into their lives, barking orders in an Iberian accent. Something about a bus. A getaway vehicle, surely. So then why was it going to be parked?

The Ringleader tried asking the Safe Cracker, but his friend only shrugged.

If you’ve ever seen a heist movie you know they come with a two montage minimum. The second one, the one where they outline the plan, feels like it should clear things up but tends to leave you confused and not particularly optimistic. That’s by design. Heists are a precarious business: no plan survives the second act. Best you can do is throw enough plot on screen fast and hope it looks like it all made sense.

No, the key to understanding a heist flick is the first montage, the one where they round up the crew. Their roles, their skills, their foibles—that’s what’s going to dictate the action.

• The Ringleader: Harry Kane, CF
• The Safe Cracker: Heung-min Son, LW
• The Loose Cannon: Steven Bergwijn, also LW
• The Driver: Sergio Reguilón, LB
• The Inside Man: Tanguy Ndombélé, AM
• The Welshman: Gareth Bale, PGA
• The Mastermind: José Mourinho, Special One

Anyway, the Safe Cracker. Best in the business. Give him an inch and a few seconds and he’s in the box robbing you blind. Only problem is that though they say he’s two-footed, and that’s true enough, he’s better on the left. Which is also where the Driver operates. And the Loose Cannon. Only the Welshman likes the right, and he’s too old for this shit.

Good thing the Ringleader was going left anyway. He can’t help it. You’d think it’s a footedness thing, which is certainly part of it, but the fact is it’s a character trait. No matter where he receives the drop or which way he turns, no matter what the rest of the crew is up to or where security’s posted, his mind’s made up to get as far as he can and make the handoff to his left. Even whales have a tell.

The funniest was the Arsenal job. Guards nodding off right before their break. One of them’s sidelined from a rough night out and he happens to be the guy posted on that left exit where not one, not two, but three of the crew are working. They’re so stacked over there the Loose Cannon has to run screaming across the lobby to create a diversion so the Safe Cracker can do his thing. Easy handoff, big score.

It’s not clear, if we’re being honest, what the Loose Cannon’s talent is supposed to be. There’s always one of these guys, right? Constantly on screen, does whatever the scene requires of him but it seems like his main role is comic relief. The Loose Cannon had a sterling reputation back in Holland; now his attacking numbers look like Davinson Sánchez’s and he leads the crew in pratfalls per 90’.

The Driver’s duties permit no such doubts. Outside lane, pedal to the floor. Beep beep motherfuckers. Every caper needs a good chase, and the kid from Madrid’s been clocked at one of the fastest sprints in the game.

If you’re in the mood for something less scenery-chewing, take some time to appreciate the Inside Man’s understated performance. His job’s all about confidence. While everyone else is streaming for the exits, he waits right there in the middle of it all, sidestepping security to make the drop. He’s operating in plain sight, and everyone knows exactly where the Ringleader will be waiting for the goods, but the ingenious way they link up never loses that little thrill when you get to the reveal.

The Inside Man rarely catches up to the escape. He prefers the long con, the deliberate job, which is the kind of operation this crew could stand to get better at. Because when you do the math, breaking out is always a risky proposition—the smartest thieves know it’s better to be the banker. ❧

Further viewing:

• Tifo Football, Tactics Explained: Tottenham's Counter-Attack (The Athletic)
• Ryan O’Hanlon, How Tottenham Can Win the Premier League (No Grass in the Clouds)
• Grace Robertson, Are Tottenham Becoming a Good José Mourinho Team? (Grace on Football)

Image: John Florea, Las Vegas Bond Rally